Today I feel like an ‘x’. Yes, I am x today and I feel very proud of it.
I am definitely not trying to solve a mathematical equation but I am here today to share my experience in coming to terms with my gender identity and after that gender expression.
I was born a y but I always thought that I was an x. I wanted my friends, family and crush to see/treat me like an X. I did everything possible to match my mind (gender identity) with my behavior and physical appearance (gender expression). However, as I grew up into my 20s, I started seeing and experiencing things on a more different level. That is, my gender identity remained the same, but my gender expression started changing. I felt comfortable with my behavior being in a spectrum between x-ine and y-ine, while more tilting towards x-ine. Ofcourse, I had difficulty explaining it to people who always had to put things in separate boxes. My gender- expression is the external manifestation of my mind and will. Not anything between my legs! Then people started questioning me that if I was an ‘x’, why was I behaving sometimes in a y-ine way. I was doing that because it felt right. I did that as I liked it.
I am a biological ‘y’. However, when I proclaimed my life and started to live an independent life, I experienced that outside the suffocating walls of my house my ‘self’ was feeling free. Free from imposed stereotypes and ‘how one should act’. When my friends and acquaintances would remark onfusion knew no end. Although I am very sure about my gender identity, but my gender expression doesn’t fit between the boxes of ‘x’s or ‘y’s. I choose to express my gender expression differently from my gender identity. It is not something that I can describe to you by labeling it in few boxed terms but it is what I feel it is. People always try to judge me and my nature according to my gender identity. But it is I who knows what is best for me!
(By Anonymous. First Published in http://sanginiindia.wordpress.com/2012/12/26/self-expression-and-exploration-my-story/)